tell your sister to shave her snatch
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
