so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
