If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
