Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
