Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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