My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
