so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just found puke in my bra..
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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