She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
