Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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