never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
