well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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