I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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