Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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