i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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