This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
