I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
