Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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