You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
