I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
