so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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