oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
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