I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i love accidental penises.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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