Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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