So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
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