I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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