WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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