true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
