We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
