Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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