Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
