The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
