i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
