Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
