Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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