I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
