No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
