toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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