So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
