she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
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Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
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I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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