I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
you made out with another girl for some wings
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
