Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
babies were throwing up all over the place
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
