i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
