I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
