Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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