Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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