Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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