Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
