I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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