I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Having a random hookup so left but love u
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
