Betty ford says i'm here all night
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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