i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
