i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
